DISCLAIMER- *the following post makes generalizations based on experiences and observations and is not meant to represent all related scenarios*
My escape from everything. Please say you’ll be my nothing. – Jhene Aiko, It’s Cool
In today’s society, the yearn for this kind of “connection” is increasingly common. This new generation of young adults is enchanted with the idea of having its cake and eating it too. Everyone wants to be the one to figure out how to invest in someone without commitment or getting attached.
The idea of being friends with benefits or having no strings attached has been overdone and worn out. It’s really simple in theory. In reality, this results in more than a situation but less than a relationship: a situationship. When two individuals agree to get physically involved regularly- or in younger cases, flirt regularly- it becomes more than a surface attraction. That regular interaction becomes a part of a routine, a part of their lives. Spending this much time together, it’s almost inevitable that one or the other will develop feelings.
The really messed up part about these interactions is that they’re most often kept secret. This could mean one of two things: not to be presumptuous but one member (usually a guy) is ashamed of the partner or doesn’t want commitment. Sometimes they’re just living their own fantasy but putting it out in the open makes it real. They tell the girl (or guy) that they aren’t looking for a relationship but persist in complimenting and reciprocating affections and fabricating an entire pseudo-relationship in private.
This usually leaves the girls wanting more out of the situation and putting more effort into it. This is becoming more and more strongly represented in the music industry. Jhene sings, we ain’t gotta be nothing… I’d actually prefer it but it’s clearly a ploy to convince herself, just as girls often do. They say they’re fine with having arrangements but are often left feeling confused as to why the guy doesn’t want to really be with them. Quite frankly, it sucks. Jhene even comes back around to tell him that if he wants to be together forever, she’s down for that too, but she’s leaving it up to him. Female artists aren’t the only ones addressing this. PARTYNEXTDOOR imitates the all too familiar situation where the girl pleads “come and see me for once”. When I first heard the song, it really hit home because so often that’s how it goes. It’s kind of sad seeing the lack of effort coming from some guys. In the end of his verse, Drake even comes around and admits, “this thing is getting one-sided, I can’t even lie to you right now.” It really highlights how a lot of males nowadays are doing the absolute most to get the best of both worlds.
I have made a lot of strong statements almost bashing guys for their messy interests but this doesn’t go without saying that girls enjoy the same activities. At the end of the day, I totally get it. If you’re not looking for someone serious, it’s totally compelling to “be with someone” without being with them. Is it realistic? No. Does it work out fairly for everyone’s interests? Not most of the time. I stand by the fact that these situationships aren’t smart at all but there are ways to preserve some kind of sanity in them. If you’re on the verge of this sort of engagement then talking about it and laying out some rules will really help in the long run. Discuss your short term romantic goals. If you guys aren’t on the same page from day one, your intentions will only drift farther and farther as you continue forward. You need to establish boundaries. Take a page out of Seinfeld’s book. Maybe you guys won’t speak every day or talk about personal stuff. Just find something that works for you both. Perhaps the most important part is honesty. If your feelings towards the other person changes, letting them know sooner than later will prevent a mess, whether that means pursuing a relationship, continuing what you’re doing anyway, or breaking it off. You guys deserve to be treated with respect and reciprocated efforts.
With love, Nia Shalise
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